Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal Trauma Hurts!
When you discover your partner's infidelity, it inflicts profound emotional and psychological trauma. It feels like an emotional collision, leaving you battered, bruised, and shattered by the betrayal. If you are deeply invested in your relationship, loving and trusting your partner, your devastation is both rightful and understandable.
It's OK to Feel Overwhelmed
If you've been cheated on and now feel like you're losing your mind, you're not alone. The rage, tears, fear, pleading, vindictiveness, and emotional instability you're experiencing are inevitable and expected responses to infidelity. This is not your fault.
Research shows that betrayed partners often experience stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms akin to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after discovering their significant other's infidelity. Yes, PTSD—the same debilitating disorder seen in battle-scarred soldiers. Is it any wonder you're experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, mood swings, and difficulty managing everyday tasks?
You are NOT to blame!
It is not uncommon after discovering infidelity, your unfaithful partner might try to shift the blame for your emotional upheaval onto you. They might say things like:
“You’re just being paranoid, why would you think I would do that?”
"Why can’t you just let me have a nice weekend? You’re always trying to pick fights with crazy accusations?
“Well, if you weren’t so distant all the time, I wouldn’t have done it.”
I don’t know what came over me. I think it’s all the stress I’ve been under at work, I’m just not myself.”
“I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“It was just sex. It didn’t really mean anything.”
All I can say is ‘I’m sorry,’ but I guess that’s never going to be good enough.”
“Well, what about all the time you spend texting your coworker? Maybe I’m the one who should be worried.”
"Why can’t you just forgive me so we can move on with our lives?"
These statements overlook the trauma of betrayal. Your partner’s infidelity has damaged your ability to trust, making it hard to believe anything they say or do, now or in the past. Each new revelation feels like reliving the betrayal all over again.
The emotional turmoil you experience after discovering betrayal is incredibly challenging, but it's also normal. Try not to judge yourself for your thoughts and feelings. Instead, remind yourself:
You didn’t cause this.
Your thoughts and feelings are a natural response to the trauma of betrayal.
So, stop blaming yourself (and stop allowing your cheating partner to blame you) for the emotional rollercoaster you’re on.
For more information on the effects of betrayal trauma for partners click here.
Low-cost online workgroups for betrayed partners can be found here.